I am a Cause of Josiah's Death

by Dion

 

Just as I am one cause of Josiah's life, I am a cause of Josiah"s death. When Josiah was in the seventh grade living in Fresno I moved to Seattle. I said I would first get established in Seattle and then Josiah could follow me and live with me.  During this time Josiah got very sick and he lost 50 pounds. Both his mother and Josiah called me and pleaded that I come back to Fresno and help Josiah as he was dying. I said no. After six months of this illness a second doctor's opinion was finally sought and the second doctor found salmonella bacterial poisoning. The second doctor said it was inept of the first doctor to not check for this condition, as it was standard protocol to check for this with these symptoms. 

I believe if I had been there I would of gotten a second doctor's opinion much sooner. For six months salmonella bacteria wrecked havoc on Josiah's digestive system. I believe the salmonella poisoning was the main precursor/cause of his ulcerative colitis and his colon and liver cancer that caused his death. 

Now I wake up in the middle of the night hearing Josiah crying - crying as a baby and then as an adult crying - he asks me to please, please help him.

When Josiah was 14 I was insensitive to his cries for help. I killed Josiah.

Every night of my life Josiah calls and cries to me and I can do nothing and now I cry for the rest of my life the lament of my child and friend Josiah's death. And I live this pain now and always.

 

Believe it or not I am not depressed or feeling much or any self blame, remorse or guilt - I am actually surprised I am not feeling more anger or sadness - perhaps I am in denial or numb about loosing Josiah or perhaps I am more at peace with his death then anyone else.

 

 

What is the cause of death? Life. -Jewish saying

What is the cause of life? Death. -dion

...and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life -St Francis.

 

 

The Responsibility of the Living

Living responsibly not just survivors guilt

Facing and feeling the truth

 

I talked socially with a head nurse who works at a gastric intestinal clinic at UCSF [research hospital] and she said there is some evidence of infections causing colitis. Medical science is almost as subjective as the psychological sciences and both have as many contrasting opinions/theories -- neither sciences are exact sciences - so as in most of life we must go on the evidence presented to us and follow our 'gut' feelings. 

 

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it - even if I have said it - 

unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." -Buddha

 

Salmonella infection untreated for six months spreads to other areas of the body as non-removed polyps in the colon [caused by severe ulcerative colitis] becomes colon cancer and then spreads to become liver cancer. I asked Janet [Josiah's mother] if she had any regrets about raising Josiah and she said she did not. So these days I do not bring up the fact to Janet or most anyone that one of the reasons I could not stay living with Janet [and Josiah usually chose to live with me] is that Janet kept a filthy kitchen and cut raw chicken on wooden cutting boards and did not rinse the boards off for many days. I am angry with Janet also for Josiah's death but who am I to judge others and Janet needs to face her own maker in her own way as I face my own inner Still Angry Voice now.

We need to take care of our health and others health. Our bodies are sacred and all of our physical belongings are vehicles to have spiritual experiences. We need to protect others and ourselves from harm. I am responsible for all beings suffering. Ones ego thinks one is helping by saying 'the feelings and words are only reactions of coping with death' and protects the belief that one is wise and close to enlightenment by analyzing this only in this way. Beware of false spiritual pride.

I cry more for children of famine and genocide then for Josiah - every day for the last three months and all my life. We need to be compassionate to both sorrow and anger. {I turn the moneychanger's tables of unkindness, insensitivity and denial around me and in me}  Do not judge sorrow or anger as better or worse - all is sadness and joy as the sky weeps the rains of healing upon the Earth. {There is beauty in both the sorrow and the anger of the rainstorm} Learn from your own anger and learn from your judgment of me and your judgment of yourself. Let the judgments go and feel. Feeling is one of the main roads to enlightenment. Observing, experiencing and smoothly transitioning to different feelings moment to moment is one of life's powerful paths. Feeling, sharing and harnessing emotions is the warrior's and hero's journey.
Dion

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{All Dionysos Maskaleris writings copyright or copyright pending}

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